Throughout my maturing in adulthood, one of the big things that has been a defining trait in that progress has been the shedding of masks, or at the very least, identifying them. Most of those masks serve a role, after all, but knowing when they are needed and knowing when it’s the time to drop all guard and let people into the fullness of who you are is really an important part of the process.
Growing up, I had always kind of defined my sense of worth by how I was able to help and support others. This is a natural, real part of who I am, for sure. I love helping other people, I love being a support and a pillar for them. The problem was that it was a part of who I am, but that I put too much weight on that at the expense of other parts of me. This is when it became one of my masks. If I felt insecure, unneeded, or any of the many nervous parts life, I’d put this one on, pretend I had no other thoughts or concerns, and desperately hope that I would do enough or be enough that I could get all the affirmation my heart could desire.
As I got older, I came to realize that this was a problem on a couple of levels. Firstly, the weaponization of my masks would often be based in a form of manipulation. I’d try to read what other people wanted or needed me to be, and then I’d try to be that. In my head, I could convince myself that this was some kind of service I was doing for them, but it was actually a way of me trying to sway them into liking or needing me in their lives. Secondly, I would never be able to get the actual affirmations I wanted, because it wouldn’t be me that they were affirming. Even if they did really like me, I’d be even less secure, because I didn’t have any way of knowing if it was me or my masks that they liked.
As I’ve continued growing, I’ve definitely become a lot more aware of the masks that I use and when I use them, but I’ve still got a long ways to go. In a conversation recently, someone pointed out that I have a tendency to always have a perfect line ready for any conversation. It isn’t a conscious thing, I don’t try to come up with a perfect, safe response to things, but my default is wit, charm, or some other statement that will get a specific reaction. I find myself wondering how many masks have become part of my subconscious identity. Fortunately, I’m still growing up and still maturing, but the process is ongoing.