Progress is rarely linear. That’s one of those sayings that comes up in a lot of areas. I hear it in sports when a team or player that seemed ready to make a massive leap forward ends up stumbling instead. I see it in the classroom when a student seems to be figuring things out and then seems more lost than ever before. I see it in my own life where I spent three years discerning priesthood and then tried to drop back into my “normal” life from before I went to seminary. With a long enough view, you can see the trend upwards, but in the moment, it seems like a series of quick starts and sudden stops.
I left seminary in 2012, which feels simultaneously a lifetime ago and about a week and a half ago. When I left, I was totally at peace with the fact that God wasn’t ultimately calling me to the priesthood. I had three incredible years and made some lifelong friendships with men pursuing holiness. I also felt certain that God was calling me to family life. I spent the next ten years or so trying to figure out how to get there from here. I felt sure that I was going to have some destined encounter with someone, because why else would God have me leave the seminary? I worked in the Church, transitioned into teaching, moved states a couple times, and got frustrated and desperate to find the woman God had planned for me.
I was so certain that I was a wife and kids away from a happy life that all the things I enjoyed were dimmed. I enjoyed time with friends, but I spent the time scanning around for my future bride and wasn’t totally present to them. I liked reading, watching comedies, and playing video games, but they all felt like I was wasting time that could be spent searching for the woman who was definitely looking for me, too. It really did take me nearly ten years and a number of awkwardly desperate dates trying to talk myself into loving someone and trying to talk them into loving me to realize that I wasn’t actually looking for a wife, I was looking for an idol.
I had become convinced that my happiness was dependent on being with someone, which meant I wasn’t actually interested in the person, but in their interest in me. Finally, I took the time to look at my life and see how blessed and good it already was. Over the next two year, I finally come to realize that I could actually be happy and fulfilled and single. My life was already good, and God had already blessed me beyond measure. I became more present to the people in my life, the desperation and despair finally left me, and then the weirdest thing happened. I met someone. Once I was ready, God did indeed allow me to meet the most incredible woman, and now, here I am, engaged to be married. Life and progression aren’t linear, but they are moving according to a loving plan, waiting for us to be ready to cooperate.