I always knew I struggled with the anxiety of speaking in front of people. I was a straight A student in school, but would take a “C” for my class presentation. When I have to present at work, I schedule time in the room I will be presenting in and rehearse it until I can’t get it wrong. I always thought it was a fear of public speaking, but that’s not it. So, naturally, I asked to be a guest lecturer at my chruch.
My story here starts a few years ago. I switched jobs, going from something I was very comfortable in to something I knew nothing about. My manager thought he was getting the star employee he watched in the other position, but got kind of a dud. He was frustrated and tried to figure out what was going on. I told him that it just takes me a long time to build up enough confidence, to get enough experience before I start to do my best. He accepted that and let me do my thing. It took me a couple of years actually, but I did.
Then I switched jobs again and went through the exact same experience. My boss, again frustrated, wanted to work through some of this. I also wanted to work through some of it, because I finally became aware of it.
During this time, I have been working to find my place in my church. I want to contribute but haven’t been able to find my place. Finally, I found a kindred spirit in one of the pastors. We both agree in the value of theology framed in history. I asked if I could teach a class and he loved the idea. We didn’t get the support we wanted, so instead he asked me to teach at his young adults group. I was super excited. Then I learned I had to speak for 60 minutes. That is about 3x more then I have ever had to speak before. My anxiety ramped at that moment.
I wanted to do a good job, because I care about the church, I care about the topic, and respect is something that I value. I started my rehearsing and all the things I do, but I was not feeling any better about it. I was getting positive affirmations from AJ and my friend Aaron. I knew I it would turn out alright, but I could not shake the sense that I was a fraud.
I began reading on imposter syndrome. I always considered it more like pop-culture psychology, not hard science. The more I read about it, the more real it became. Imposter syndrome isn’t just something people call it when they don’t feel confident. It is a constant sense of feeling like a fraud and fearful of being “found out.” I think I would lump it in as one of the 31 Flavors of anxiety. It is it’s own distinct flavor though, a little on the nutty side (get it!). The solution to imposter syndrome? There is none! The only way out is through.
On the day I was to do my lecture, I was so anxiety ridden that I was burning through deodorant. I got there 30 minutes early and was worried that I was going to sweat through both my shirts. I sat in the back, quiet, analyzing everyone who came in. I now understand, emotionally, how Jason Bourne felt physically sitting in the cafe gauging where he would escape…or attack. After what seemed like an eternity, I got up on stage. I was nervous, but then it all just kind of faded into the back. I had taught people before. I have met strangers before. I have spoken about theology before. I was well prepared.
The lecture went well. I stumbled a few times. I chocked on one word, which they called me out on but I skillfully turned it into a joke. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would. I didn’t throw up, like I thought I might, and no one booed me off the stage. There are definitely things I want to get better at, but the anxiety I felt leading up to it was unfounded…which is kind of the definition of anxiety…
I am my own worst enemy, and I don’t think I am the only one that feels that way. I encourage everyone to do things outside of their comfort zone. Learn a new skill that will challenge you, make you feel like a fraud, and then master it. Stepping into something new is a great way to let God show himself to us. We get to see that He is with us and in the end, even if I did puke in public, God would have used that for my good.
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