I have had a strange year this year. Externally, it has been amazing. I’ve traveled. I’ve spent times with friends and family. I’ve accomplished some goals, etc. etc. Internally, though, I have not done so well. I’ve been trying to get back on top all year. I’ll work on it and get there for a few days, but then slide back down real quick. It has been frustrating to say the least.
I was reading in Isaiah 64. There were a couple of sections that stuck out to me. One was where the people were admitting that they sinned and have become a desolation. I felt that in my core. If you listened to this weeks podcast, you know I am struggling with the idea that I have nothing to contribute. I get that God is the one who does it all, but if I have nothing, then I can give nothing, which means I have not value. That isn’t God’s math, of course. That is me being a desolation. Where I have sin in my life and because of that, all the good things have been taken away. It is a sense of loneliness even though I have people who care about me. It is wanting to give, but finding your spiritual bank account is empty. It is an internal sense of nothingness. Let me tell you, God doesn’t use that as punishment because it’s a walk in the park.
Using those verses as my framework, I thought about my sin. What caused me to be so desolate? (Don’t worry, I’m not going to air my dirty laundry here.) This made me think of the “thorn” in Paul. For him, I think it was a physical limitation. It was probably from one of his many broken bones not healing properly and so it was painful. It forced Paul to rely on the Grace of God. We can also rephrase that to keeping him humble. Being humble and relying on God’s grace is kind of like two sides of the same coin.
Paul had something that was given to him by God to keep him humble…That correlated to an earlier verse in my reading where the people were humbling themselves before God saying they were clay and He was the potter. If God made us, then does He make us with a thorn? Something to keep us humble? This isn’t exactly hard hitting theology, but I think maybe He does. We all have a habitual sin, that one thing that no matter how hard we pray and work never leaves us. No matter how long someone has been sober, they will always be an addict. It is something that never goes away.
I don’t think God makes us sin, let’s be clear. I do think there is something crafted in each of us that forces us to rely on the Grace of God. That thorn that causes us so much pain, be it physical or mental/emotional, is our built in “call back.” It is the thing that I am acutely aware of because I’ve struggled with it for so long. I know when when I’m slipping or starting a full on downward spiral. When I crash and burn, I know full well the reason why and what I need to do. I turned from God and need to return.
I have to be honest, I wish I didn’t have a habitual struggle, but I am grateful that God would build a system to continually call me back to Him.
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