My personal goal for 2019 was to, “kill the fear.” I have always let fear rule my life. The space that is taken over by fear is always filled with regret. I didn’t want to have a life of regrets, so I sought to kill my fear.
Now, to clarify, I’m not trying to kill all of my fear. I don’t like snakes, never will. I’m not going to go touching snakes to try and not be afraid of them. Some may call my fear irrational, but I consider it healthy self-preservation. Plus, they are the devil. The fear that I’m working on is the fear of judgement, or social fear. An example of this is that I always wanted to learn how to skateboard. The skaters, though, were often people who participated in activities that I did not want to be associated with. So, my fear of being associated with stoners kept me from ever learning to skate. It seems silly to me now, but a youth, the fear was as real.
I was reflecting the other day as I tried to do a video for my Instagram Stories. I kept messing up because I was nervous. I was at a park with hundreds of people and because I believe myself to be the most interesting individual around, they must surely all must be looking at me. The reality is that wasn’t true. I finished my story and not one person said anything to me. No body cared. I had my “ah ha!” moment right then. I had overcome my fear. It wasn’t gone, but I had triumphed over it.
This lead me to consider my yearly goal. Was it complete? Can I mark it finished?
No. I have one more test.
Can I be myself in front of my brother?
Being a younger sibling is odd. Most people seek the approval of their parents (which is both noble and fruitless; honor your parents but be true to yourself). I, on the other hand, have always sought the approval of my older brother. My brother and I are nothing a like. He was the cool football guy in high school. I walked around with my Bible in hand. I have always considered myself the odd ball out and it took a while to accept that. I still had fear around it though, which I have been working to kill off, so I can fully be myself.
The test…my whole family is going to Disney World. We will be in the land of nerdy forefathers. The land of Geek unlike any other. Will I shrink back and try to be accepted by others, or will I step out and fearlessly be who I am? Will I hide my selfies and videos so my family doesn’t see what I’m doing for social media? These are all questions that I do not know the answer to. As you are reading this, I will actually be full bore into my test. If I can pass this test, I will consider my goal complete.
Working for my life’s vision of writing stories in a beverage shop that I own.